Patients who are concerned about the quality of their sex life often decide to visit a sexologist. They complain of incomplete readiness to start an intercourse (lack or insufficient erection, insufficient vaginal lubrication, increased muscle tension preventing penetration) and lack of perceived pleasure, inability to ejaculate or orgasm.
The need for planning
Because I work in a big city, my patients are often corporate employees, people performing duties under enormous pressure, with goals defined by their superiors, which often determine their future in the company.
Work can be planned, optimized, almost completely under control. There is a clear algorithm: if certain conditions are met, the result will be a positive opinion of the superior, bonus, promotion, etc.
This state of affairs is somewhat limiting, but it gives a sense of security. The borders are rigid, fixed, nothing surprises.
The established algorithms also work in other aspects of life: regular technical inspections minimize unpleasant surprises in the form of a car breakdown, a box diet and consultation with an online dietitian take care of weight and health, and newsletters from fashion houses ensure that current trends are followed.
Is it possible to plan a sex life?
However, there are some areas where it is difficult to obtain the desired result even when meeting external conditions. What’s more, focusing on trying to guarantee your success makes it even harder for success.
What when our sex life does not meet our expectations? What if buying underwear, perfumes, and ensuring the right mood is not enough to enjoy a successful sex?
Patients coming to my office often ask for the creation of a management plan. They feel discomfort, have a sense of failure and reduced self-esteem. During sexual activity, they used to focus on a specific goal: achieving fullfilment of themselves and their partners, which they define as an intense orgasm, as in books. Over time, when they think of another unsuccessful intercourse, they feel unpleasant tension, accompanied by a lot of fears related to possible failure, just like before the exam, for which they do not feel prepared.
This focus prevents the ability to feel pleasure from the love game itself. Why is this goal so important? Why do we devote to celebrating closeness, enjoying the kisses, touch and smell of a partner for a few seconds orgasm? Orgasm cannot be programmed, a trip to the most beautiful place in the world, putting on sexy underwear and getting drunk with expensive wine will not guarantee orgasm if we don’t take care of our emotionality.
Read more: How to make our sex life better?
Sexual disorder therapy
Therapeutic work related to sexual disorders after establishing the basis of symptoms and excluding somatic causes involves extensive interviewing, capturing events that significantly influenced our thinking about ourselves. During the therapy, the patient learns to identify and communicate his needs, learns defense mechanisms and habits that have become established. It is very important for changes in the sexual sphere to learn about the main thoughts that guide life, fixed social roles and a sense of fulfillment and attitude towards one’s body.
Author: Monika Kaszuba